The word wed, in Anglo-Saxon, simply means "vow". When you pull away all the frills, a wedding or handfasting is nothing more or less than a public exchange of vows between two people who intend to build a life together. The festive atmosphere fades away after the wedding. The food is eaten. The guests go home. The vows are what remain. The bride and groom are bound by them for as long as they have sworn to keep them, and while they are bound by their vows they are husband and wife. When the vows are broken or discarded, so is the partnership. Because the vows are the very essence of the marriage, it makes sense for a couple to consider their vows more carefully than any other aspect of the wedding ceremony. Unfortunately, this is not always the case.
Contemplate this all too common scenario. At their wedding, a young couple vow to love each other forever. Three years later, after they have a child together, the wife tells her husband that she wants a divorce. When he asks why, her response is: "I just don't love you anymore." Clearly this woman believes that love is something that comes from outside of herself. Love is something she feels, not something she does. But if this is the case, why did she vow to love her husband "till death do us part"? Since we rarely have conscious control over our feelings, it makes neither logical nor practical sense to vow to feel something and even less sense to vow to feel it for the rest of our lives.
Sadly, the woman in the life-story we are contemplating spoke a vow to always love her husband simply because it was part of a wedding ceremony printed in a book. The vows were read out by a celebrant and repeated by the bride and groom. The couple didn't take the time before the wedding to carefully consider the implications of these vows and whether or not they could keep them until death. They didn't read the vows critically and offer suggestions like, "This sentence is very vague, perhaps we should change the wording to make the meaning more clear." More importantly, they didn't discuss things like, "When you vow to love me forever, what will that mean to you?" They simply assumed that the standard wedding ceremony used by the religious organisation to which they belonged would be right for them.
Ironically, this same couple, who simply repeated their vows out of a book, did not buy their wedding clothes "off the rack". The bride-to-be spent hours designing and sewing their costumes. Why would a couple put more energy into choosing what to wear at their wedding than into choosing the words that bind them together? Perhaps the answer lies in the fact that, for hundreds of years, mainstream Christian culture has maintained that a couple has no choice over the words used in their wedding vows --that's left to the church. The same mainstream culture has always allowed a couple a certain degree of choice over what they wear at their wedding and encouraged them to wear something special for the day. These societal values have become so wrapped up in our concept of "wedding" that many non-Christians who opt for pagan or alternative weddings don't think to question them, but simply follow the pre-established pattern. They choose their clothes and let others choose their vows. But, as a famous bard once sang, "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice."
No matter what kind of wedding ceremony they have, the bride and groom are morally obligated not to make any vows which they have reason to doubt they can keep, and to strive to keep the vows they have made. Unlike those who get married in an established church service, couples who opt for a non-mainstream wedding or handfasting have complete creative freedom when it comes to their vows. With this freedom comes the responsibility to ponder the possible meanings and implications of any vows they might wish to take to each other. This is not a matter of quibbling over legalities, but rather one of determining what the marriage will mean to the perspective partners and what each can expect from the other.
One way to begin planning wedding vows is for each partner to make a list of the elements they associate with their idea of the perfect marriage. These may be general or specific, romantic or practical. (Plenty of pop-psychology books have been written on the "making marriage work" topic. These can be used as a source for ideas.) The couple can then compare their lists, identify the elements that are most important to them both, and try to fit more specific items into a few general categories. The resulting list of things both partners want from their marriage can be used as a basis for writing vows.
The partners may also find it useful to collect some printed marriage ceremonies from various sources. (Many books of rites for particular pagan paths include a handfasting ritual.) They should read through the vows with a critical eye. "What exactly does this phrase mean to me?" "Is it something I am certain I can do for the length of the marriage?" "Is it something I feel strongly about?" It may be that some parts of the vows in a printed ceremony eloquently state exactly what the couple wanted to pledge to each other, but other phrases in the same ceremony are irrelevant to their particular situation. When reviewing "standard vows" the couple should keep in mind that there may be things they wish to pledge to each other that never occurred to the author of the ritual.
There are an overwhelming number of topics that a couple should contemplate together before making a formal commitment to each other. No doubt some will be overlooked in the planning stages and the partners will later have to "wing it" as each new issue comes up. The flexibility to accommodate and change is certainly just as important to a successful marriage as any of the preliminary considerations. That said, here are suggestions for some topics that most couples will want to consider covering in their vows.
Responsibilities
Will both partners contribute equally to running the
household? Are there certain tasks that will be designated to
one partner or another? How will income be shared or
distributed? If children are involved, will one partner take
on more responsibility for child care? A couple may want to
include references to specific domestic or economic duties in
their vows, or they may each wish to make a general vow to
take on their fair share of responsibilities.
Priorities
Are both partners willing to put the demands of the marriage
before the demands of their careers? If there is a conflict
of interest between the needs of ones partner and the needs
of ones children, parents, or close friends, will the partner
always come first? Do one or both partners need time or space
to themselves on occasion? Is there a minimum amount of
"quality time" the partners wish to devote to each
other each week? Couples who feel that their marriage should
be the most important relationship in their lives may wish to
take a vow to this effect.
Nurturing
The phrase "love, honour and cherish" has been
repeated at so many weddings that it has become
cliché. Most couples are perfectly happy to declare
that they will love, honour and cherish each other, but few
discuss exactly how they intend to accomplish this in
practical terms. Does love involve making sacrifices of time
and effort to ensure the well-being of one's partner?
Does it involve striving to break down any emotional barriers
that arise between you? Does it require total honesty? Does
honouring ones partner mean always speaking well of them in
public? Always respecting their opinions and choices?
Standing by them through tough situations? Does cherishing
mean telling your partner you love them on a daily basis?
Does it involve frequent compliments or surprise gifts?
Instead of resorting to the old cliché, couples may
wish to decide what it means to them to love, honour and
cherish each other and phrase their vows accordingly.
Fidelity
Many couples who are planning to marry assume that sexual
fidelity is part of the bargain, not something that needs to
be specifically addressed. However with the percentage of men
who have had extramarital affairs cited as high as 70%
(depending on which study you read) and the percentage of
women who have extramarital affairs rising ever higher, this
is a case where the old adage "assume makes an ass out
of you and me" applies. Fidelity is an issue which a
couple should definitely discuss before the wedding. If the
partnership is going to be some form of "open
marriage" then both partners need to understand exactly
what this means and where the boundaries are. If sexual
exclusivity is something that both partners want and feel
they can swear to in good faith, then they should consider
specifically including a vow of fidelity in their wedding
ceremony.
Once the couple have decided what you want to vow, they need to decide on the best way to say it. In most types of weddings/handfastings, the vows are meant to be public oaths sworn before friends and kin. Therefore, they should be phrased in such a way that they can be understood by all concerned. When considering various forms of wording, the sincerity of the vows should outweigh all other factors. A statement which "sounds better" should never be preferred over a statement which better expresses ones true intentions. However, there are better and worse ways to convey the same meaning. Here are some general guidelines.
Actions not
feelings
You can only pledge something you have control over. Try to
phrase all your vows in terms of things you actively intend
to do.
Positive rather than
negative
The list of things that you should not do if
you want to stay in a healthy marriage is infinite. Best to
phrase things in terms of what you will do.
Avoid
Ambiguity
Make vague or ambiguous words or phrases more specific, or at
least be sure you and your partner agree on their meaning
before the ceremony!
Brevity is the Soul of
Wit
The wedding vows aren't the forum for listing all fifty
reasons why your beloved is the most wonderful person in the
world. (That can be done in a separate part of the wedding
ceremony if you wish.) Nor are they meant to substitute for a
prenuptial agreement which will "stand up in
court". The vows as spoken at the wedding should clearly
state a list of things you pledge to do. Details surrounding
each pledge (like whether doing Y counts as doing X) can
remain between the couple and need not be delineated during
the public ceremony.
Poetry
Please!
If the vows end up reading like a legal contract, get out a
thesaurus and see whether the same meaning can't be
expressed in more earthy language. A more poetic effect can
often be achieved simply by substituting good old Anglo-Saxon
words for Latinate ones.
The medieval Icelandic poet Snorri Sturluson includes a list of fourteen Norse goddesses in his Edda. The entries for two of these are given below.
Ninth Var: she listens to people's oaths and private agreements that women and men make between each other. Thus these contracts are called varar. She also punishes those who break them. Tenth Vor: she is wise and enquiring, so that nothing can be concealed from her. There is a saying that a woman becomes aware (vor) of something when she finds it out.
It seems apt that these two goddesses should be listed side by side, for those who approach wedding oaths with the awareness of Vor, need never fear the vengeance of Var.