The following article outlines how those who try to live and plan ceremonies with "Never assume anything!" as a maxim can be placed in a difficult situation despite their best efforts.
At the end of last year I had the great pleasure of visiting one of our subscribers to discuss her "Pre-Funeral Plan". After my initial meeting with "Mrs R", I sent details of the Service itself to her, along with details of a certain Funeral Directors who were listed in The Natural Death Handbook, as she had expressed a wish to organise, and pay for, a "Simple, green" funeral before her passing.
Explaining that we had had no dealings with this company prior to the recommendation, I called them (with "Mrs R's" permission), and gave them her details asking for an initial contact along with a listing of their professional charges etc.
Over the next four or five weeks I received two or three calls from our subscriber informing me that she had not received any details. Then had sent monies but received no acknowledgement of same. On every occasion I rang the undertakers on "Mrs R's" behalf and all seemed in order and "Mrs R" seemed happy.
Eventually I received details from "Mrs R" that the service we had worked on was "Perfect" and notice that she had arranged and paid for her funeral with the aforementioned company. A query was included as to my professional charges for conducting the funeral itself, and I advised "Mrs R" that the standard LifeRites fee plus mileage would apply and that this would be taken care of within the standard disbursements after her passing (As discussed and verbally agreed with the undertakers) in accordance with accepted undertaking practices.
Confidence in the professionalism of others is a fragile and fickle thing!
"Mrs R" had despatched her signed copy of the service plus funeral details (In the SSAE I had provided) directly to LifeRites Central. This envelope was filed, unopened, until the "time came". I had not, at that time, seen a copy of "Mrs R's" letter from the undertakers (And, given that this was a private matter concerning a business contract between "Mrs R" and the company concerned, there was absolutely no reason why this should have been the case) and LifeRites Central had not realised (and there is no reason why they should have) that the envelope had come directly from "Mrs R" and not myself. The business of LifeRites is, after all, to provide the "Ceremony" side of things, we are not funeral arrangers or directors nor would that be a proper or fitting use of our services.
In the early part of this year I received a call from "Mrs R's" friend in the village to say that she had passed on and, ten minutes later, a call from her eldest daughter with the same news.
The calls were received on a Friday. On Monday I called the undertakers having heard no word from them and obtained details of date, time and location for the cremation. They would, they assured me, forward a written confirmation.
On Wednesday I rang again, still awaiting details, but with a far more serious query; LifeRites had forwarded "Mrs R's" envelope and it contained a copy of the confirmation letter from the undertakers detailing a list of the various services to be provided, plus costings. There was, also, at this stage of the arrangements, a worrying rider along the lines of:
"The fees for the minister conducting the service will be paid directly by the family to the minister"
The undertaker assured me "That is how we always handle fees". I explained it was, as far as LifeRites was concerned, an unacceptable handling of an exceptionally delicate detail at such an emotionally difficult time for the family.
Also, it was a situation that I, personally, had never encountered when dealing with various undertaking firms. Plus, we had had a discussion with respect to fees during our introductory conversation. "Oh, well, in that case we will speak to the family and we'll work something out"
Then there came another unexpected little hiccup "I'm very glad you telephoned, the person we get to do our ceremonies, like the Chakra thing, has gone walkabout. Do you think you could do that for us?"
I rang LifeRites Central to obtain clarification regarding this service. It would mean a round trip of some 240 miles, purchase of materials plus a full ceremony.
"Do I charge?”
Cheryl was firm "Yes you do".
The decision was reached that I charge the same as the undertakers had initially charged plus mileage. Seemed reasonable....
"Ah, well, you see, we did not charge for this service. This is a service we provide gratis for our clients. We would need to advise the family of this additional charge. If you did the ceremony, you would need to do it fairly quickly though, she's going off a bit, getting rather fizzy. We probably need to get ‘J’ in to do a basic treatment to stop any further decomposition"
Aside from the small matter of health and safety considerations dealing with an unembalmed and decomposing body which would need to be washed, annointed and shrouded (Offices which were agreed to by the undertakers in the contract sent to "Mrs R" and which should have been performed before now on a body which should have been kept in a cold environment by said undertakers) I pointed out that the "free" service they were offering (but were not now able to provide) was, in fact, listed in the charged services for "Mrs R's" funeral.
"Oh no, it's free. We just listed it there so she knew it would be done"
"Above the total line?"
"Yes, but it's free"
"I'll get back to you on this. I need to discuss this with head office!"
Death is as much a part of life as birth, it is inevitable, inexorable and we walk with it from the time we first draw breath. It is also, in most cases, a traumatic and desolate time for those "left behind". "Mrs R" had been at pains to tell me of how her children thought she was an oddball and how worried she was that her final wishes regarding the disposal of her earthly remains would be ignored and she would be consigned with an "insert name here" C of E service.
The last thing I wanted was her family presented with a mounting list of charges from LifeRites via an undertaker whose professional competence and, to be blunt, honesty, I was growing increasingly doubtful about.
I thought a great deal about my options then called the undertakers back, "If I come down before Friday (The cremation) I have to charge mileage. However, I can come down early in the morning, perform the ceremony then get to the crematorium before the cortege. I will have to make a charge. Will you kindly clarify your invoice to me? Are you telling me that you would bring in an outside agent to annoint the body, open, balance and close the chakras and not make a charge? Not even for materials?"
"No."
"What about the deterioration and the embalming necessary to handle the body?"
"Oh, we'll pass the cost of the treatment onto the family"
There is an old saying about "Having a bad feeling about this" so the decision was made.
"You mentioned all agreed to final offices for the body in your charges"
"Mmmm, yes, well"
"I will fax you details of the oils needed to annoint the body according to her tradition. You will wash, annoint and shroud the body there, I will rewrite the service and open, balance and close the chakras within the committal ceremony itself. As your charge was nil, I take it you will not charge the family for this or the materials needed?"
"Oh, no"
Friday arrived, I arrived at the crematorium, saw the office staff to confirm that my earlier telephone call and faxed requests regarding chapel arrangements had been dealt with and went back to the car to gather all of the necessary items together. There was a tap on the window. "Mrs R's" daughters were charming but the folded piece of paper they were giving me obviously caused them some confusion.
Diplomatically explaining to the deceased's family that "No, I've never known it done this way either and that this should have been dealt with by the undertakers but thank you for the cheque" brings no real resolution to the situation. I am a firm believer that professional charges should be dealt with via the undertaker's disbursements. There is absolutely no reason for the family to be involved unless they are organising the funeral themselves. This may seem an old fashioned view but it is, in my opinion, seemly and dignified. Having the family hand you a cheque before you have even laid their loved one to rest is an invidious position to be placed in. I was annoyed that they had been troubled by this necessity at a time when their thoughts should have been occupied with memories and reflections upon their mother's life, not who to make the cheque out to.
It should have got better.
It, however, did not.
The family were in the waiting room. The cortege arrived. I went out to reverence the deceased. The undertaker introduced themselves and informed me that they had dealt with the body as instructed. It is was pity that all I could concentrate on was the dark stain in the bottom corner of the cardboard coffin. They, at least, had the decency to place a cover over the box as it came out of the hearse.
"We'll need a trolley. I'm a bit short on bearers today". (My mind went back to the invoice listing sufficient bearers to carry the coffin) Then they were off to see the family.
The trolley wheels squeaked past the opening to the waiting room as the two bearers walked past with "Mrs R". (No door at this particular crematorium) and, although I had stood in the entrance to shield the view, "Mrs R's" mentally handicapped son found the noise very disturbing.
With the help of the chapel attendant "Mrs R" was placed on the catafalque and I carefully explained to the undertakers when they should open the doors to the garden at the end of the ceremony. Their copy of the service was marked, underlined and annotated.
The congregation was small and sitting on the exit door side of the chapel to my left. Three figures in assorted shades of blue and grey caught my eye. Sitting in the second pew to my immediate right were the undertakers, nodding and smiling. They were still sitting there, nodding and smiling, when I went to the chapel door and opened it for the family to exit.
After the family had left I returned to the coffin to remove the various items placed on and around it for the ceremony and closed the curtains.
The family were delighted with the service and felt it reflected their mother's beliefs and wishes perfectly. I watched them leave, happy that they had derived comfort from the ceremony.
Of the undertakers there was no sign.
The "services" provided by this particular undertaking company were advertised as "Green", they cost "Mrs R" many hundreds of pounds. In the opinion of this officiant, it was the most unprofessional and shoddy excuse for a "professional" job I have ever had the misfortune to be associated with (Albeit by way of performing the ceremony).
LifeRites recommended this company because they were fairly close to "Mrs R" and listed in the "Natural Death Handbook". The family were unaware of any of these problems and were left with joyous memories of their mother's funeral but the fact remains that there were inexcusable problems and we will never recommend this company again under the current management.
However, good has come from this. Procedures have now been altered and LifeRites Central will now open and check the sealed details to avoid any repetition of the "fees" discussion. All details included in the envelope will be verified with the officiant concerned to double and triple check all details and we are now, we trust, even further prepared to serve those who call upon our services.