The year 2000.
It seemed so full of promise when it had started out. This promise didn't last very long as my then fiancée and I were soon to discover.
It soon began to degenerate with the pressure from the future in-laws to get married following the news that my partner was pregnant with our second child.
Given that all the stress was not doing my partner any good we decided to marry at the end of May. This in effect short-circuited our plans, bringing forward our wedding day by several months. However it was something that we had planned to do anyway and on the whole the day went very well and we were both very happy.
If we thought that this was to relieve the pressure, then we needed to think again. One set of parents decided not to attend the wedding and later they blamed us for it! This led to a period where my wife's parents were not speaking to her.
Towards the end of July on a Saturday morning, I was sat in my study at home. I think that I was doing some work for the Pagan Federation, and my wife called me. There was a slight hysterical quality to her voice, a panic that I'd not heard before. As it turned out, she said that she was bleeding. My instant thought was hospital.
I don't remember the journey up to the hospital - it is about five miles distant from our home, I just remembered driving incredibly fast and thankful that there were no police around.
In the hospital she was poked and prodded. There were no contractions and after a while the bleeding seemed to stop. I went home later that night exhausted and my wife stayed in hospital. On the way home I collected my daughter.
The following morning at 8 am, the phone rang. It was a midwife on the other end of the phone. My heart sank, being a nurse I could guess what she was about to say. She asked me to get to the hospital urgently. My daughter was dressed in about five minutes flat, no mean feat that! I raced up to my parents and dropped her off before racing on to the hospital.
On reaching the hospital they were expecting me. I fled up the stairs, trying to burn off some of the nervous energy. I got to the labour ward and was told by my wife that we had another daughter. I couldn't see her yet as she was born at 24 weeks and was over in the neonatal unit. I made sure that my wife was fine and stopped with her while she went down on to the Ward.
Some time later, having waited for the all clear to go and see our daughter we went into the neonatal unit. She was so tiny, and strangely looked almost exactly like our other daughter did when she was born. The staff were very reassuring saying that she was stable. We touched her and stroked her. All the while I had feelings of dread.
In the afternoon we returned to see our daughter, I was now armed with my Digi-Cam. Were also given another camera by the staff and we took many pictures. The consultant came over to us, and I could see the concern on her face. The news was not good. My daughter's condition had deteriorated beyond the point that active treatment could help her. Even if she had recovered from this present crisis, she would have not been able to cope with another. She was going to die.
We were devastated. In the midst of this we were asked if we wanted to keep our daughter on the life support system. Her main problem was that her lungs were just too immature to keep her going and she was slowly and inexorably becoming acidotic. We made the decision to give her a bit of dignity and do our best for her. We told them to turn the machine off.
They waited while my wife contacted one of the Pastors of her Church. During that time we were allowed to hold her. I named her, giving her the name of Danielle, recognising her as a part of my family. Eventually the pastor arrived and he said a few prayers - not that I took much notice. My wife and I then went into a special room that the hospital has for parents of neonatal children. They turned off the machine and my daughter died. They brought her to us and we held her and said goodbye.
We stayed in the hospital overnight. The staff were wonderful - everything that you would expect. The next day around lunchtime my wife asked me to go and get some food from one of the takeaway places just across from the hospital. On the way my mother phoned me and told me that she'd had a vision of Danielle being with my grandmother who passed away several years before. That quite destroyed my composure and it took a while to regain my senses after that.
The troubles that we had had with the in-laws was immediately forgotten. As the word spread to the Pagan community I heard from people that I'd really didn't expect to hear from. I was amazed, here was the Pagan Community I had sought for so long. My kin from the heathen community rallied round and I will be forever in their debt.
Due to the systems that the hospital used, we had to wait three weeks before we could bury Danielle. This was a very strange, a very strained time.
Being a heathen I felt very close to my daughter and felt the need for some kind of messenger between her and myself. Later I had a vision of a large red squirrel - Ratatosk - the messenger and traveller on Yggdrassil. I got the impression from this vision that he was offering his services. It then occurred to me that Danielle would be in her coffin alone. I remember walking through Boots and seeing a toy squirrel. The urge to buy this was unstoppable I had to have it and place it with my daughter .
The Pagan community had spontaneously picked one person who provided main contact with us. It was using this network that we planned what we were going to do at the funeral.
The funeral was attended by many people. The hearse arrived and I carried my daughter into the small chapel at the cemetery.
After the service at which three other children were also buried we carried our children back out to the hearse. As we left the chapel I happened to look up, and the cloudy sky opened and I could see the blue beyond. At this self-same point I felt elation and heard the words "I am under the sky!"
After my wife's pastor had done the internment at the graveside I asked for a few moments by the grave with my close heathen kin. We said a few words and one of them gave the gift of a Thor's hammer which we placed upon the coffin. We then left.
A few months later, as we did not hold a wake after the funeral we felt that we needed to celebrate the life of our daughter. Though she was only with us for a few short hours those hours were probably the most intense of our lives. She certainly left a lasting impression upon us. Though this ceremony was not entirely a joyous occasion I feel that it has helped us come to terms with our loss .
This experience amongst other things, heightened the need for an organisation such as LifeRites. The support of close family and kin can only really help the people deal with the emotional pain, it is important to remember that they will be feeling the grief as well. I feel that with the help of trained celebrants for some people, one small part of the burden, the funeral, can be carried by others .
If I can help anyone in a similar position then I will as much as I am able.